By Jamie Hilton 

Friends are forever…unless you’re an expat. You only get one family, that’s a given, but you can always make new friends. Sadly, that ain’t necessarily so.

Sacrificing your friends and contact with your family is an exchange that we all agonized over for many months. But hey, this is Australia we’re talking about. An easygoing lifestyle, laid back people, community barbeques and drinks on the beach every night. Hell, it won’t be long before we’re invited onto Ramsey Street as the guest of honour before ducking down to Summer Bay for a quick surf and sausage sizzle with the friendly youngsters in the dunes.

Cue crashing disappointment. For starters, there are so many rules and regulations that drinking, partying, lighting fireworks and any type of fun in general is strictly prohibited in any kind of public place, particularly the beach. Jamaica, this is not. If, for a moment, you had also fantasized about trotting up to some Bo Derek-like figure as she emerged from the surf, you will discover that what happens in films, stays on film. El Illustoria will sneer at you, make a bee-line for her enclave of beach buddies who will all then give you death stares until you flee. The beach is like a battery chicken farm with invisible cages – the locals all know the pecking order and you simply aren’t the rooster on this farm.

To be fair, most Aussies do have an easygoing demeanour. And that’s all well and good and will help you make dozens of new acquaintances until, ten minutes later, the conversation stalls and, after blowing the foam off another pint, there is nothing to discuss but sport if you’re a bloke and shopping at the mall if you’re a gal.

‘Easygoing’ will not provide profound, supportive friendships. And guess what? You’re probably not easygoing yourself and need something a little more complex, layered, reserved and enigmatic, not letting everything all hang out there immediately like the guts of a slaughtered pig. Tragically, like trying to fall in love, if you’re actively seeking friends and forcing the issue, it simply isn’t going to happen.

So what? Do you really need friends if you can skip down to the ocean and watch the sunset on another glorious summer’s day? Oh yes, you do. Loneliness can be a killer and you can be lonely in the midst of a crowd, in the middle of all your new drinking mates. You can feel isolated and alone even with your luscious and tanned new partner’s arm draped across you in bed at night. You need a support network. A compliment every now and again from someone you respect.

Respect. That’s important too and that can only come from people who know your past, understand your present and can value your achievements or forbearance, however small or trivial. That needs context, that needs a friend who’s shared the ups and the downs, seen the best and the worst of you. A mutual admiration society. Yep, you need your friends. Making new ones is very difficult yet solitary confinement sends people mad.

I live in a relatively remote part of Australia and constantly crave an escape to humanity. Ironically, whenever I jet into one of the capitals, I immediately bolt myself into the hotel room. Like an errant dog, I have become ‘de-socialised’. I simply cannot be bothered pursuing a brief interlude with a passing stranger, an hour’s superficial chat about…about what? Politics, the stock market, the weather, the mining, the mining? It would all come over as either vainglorious or painfully whiny. Speed dating may work but speed friendships don’t.

“Remember that time when you…?” Oh no, of course you don’t. Me neither. You weren’t there. Ta ta.

Furthermore, the thrill of being able to order food in a hotel room after 8pm and have it served without a basket or tomato ketchup is so incredible, I dine alone. Stepping from the hotel room, into the taxi, into the airport and back onto the plane, I exchange one pressurized cabin for another without ever breathing fresh air. Without ever creating an opportunity or a chance encounter. And this is the case for many, many expats.

Your friends give you and those around you oxygen to breathe. Embarking upon a relationship as a substitute to making friends is doomed to disaster. You will cling onto your partner like a life raft. They will have no context by which to value you as you have no friends to provide a reference point. There is no chance to prise open the Bell Jar and snatch a lungful of the world – you will be grasping on for dear life and they MUST break free before you drag them under and you both drown.

Similarly, if you have young kids and are in this situation, without a few friends to lighten the load, you will become overbearing and over-protective. Your children will unfairly bear all your adult problems and they will similarly have to kick and struggle before they are consumed.

So how to find a friend? Friends aren’t forced or created out of thin air but you can put yourself in situations where they are more likely. In fact you MUST put yourself in situations where they are possible. Sun, sand, and fresh food are NO substitute for the unconditional companionship of friends – ask Robinson Crusoe. He had all the seafood and sweltering skies he could hope for but would have gone crazy if he hadn’t found Friday.

Oh yes, Friday. If you get to Friday each week and think, oh yep just another weekend, how will I fill the time until Monday, then you need help. Or need to help yourself. Urgently.