Can you see Tommy? There he is, sitting all on his own in his backyard. He’s sad today. Poor Tommy.

Tommy’s dad isn’t sad. He’s sitting by the pool drinking beer from a little bottle.
“You couldn’t do this in Hull, could you?” he says, then does a big laugh. It’s the seventh time Tommy’s dad has said this in the last twenty minutes.

Tommy’s mum isn’t sad. She’s lying on a sun lounger wearing a bikini getting a tan. She’s smiling and agreeing with Tommy’s dad and thinking that she has still ‘got it’.

Tommy’s big sister isn’t sad. She’s not in the backyard. She’s at the beach, talking to a boy with long blonde hair who is very good at surfing. If she could hear Tommy’s dad saying that you couldn’t do this in Hull, she would smile and agree too.

But Tommy is sad.

He had liked going on the big aeroplane, but now that he and his family have landed in their new home, Tommy is confused and sad.

“Everything’s different,” he whispers to his teddy bear, Albert. “I don’t like it here. Everyone else is happy, but I’m sad. I want to go home.”

Suddenly there’s a big flash and a bang.

“You want to go home? Back to England?” a loud voice booms. “Why ever would you want to do that? This Australia! The best country on earth!”

Tommy looks up and sees a smiling kangaroo grinning at him.

“Who . . . who are you?” he asks, a little bit scared.

“Why, I’m Kenny,” the kangaroo says. “Kenny the kangaroo. I look after all the new children who come to Australia when they’re sad. Do you want me to teach you all about Australia, Tommy?”

Tommy smiles happily at the big, friendly kangaroo.

“Oh, would you?” he says, happily.

“Sure,” says Kenny. “Just jump in my pouch and we’ll set off on our wonderful A-Z of Australia adventure! All aboard!”

Quickly, Tommy jumps in and, with a flash, their adventure begins.

A is for Aboriginal.

Kenny and Tommy have appeared outside a house. It’s not a very nice house. The paint is peeling and there’s lots of litter.
“Who lives here?” Tommy asks.
“Why, this is an Aboriginal’s house,” says Kenny.
“It’s not very nice,” says Tommy.
“No,” says Kenny. “It’s not. That’s because Aboriginals live here. When you come to Australia you’ll learn that all Aboriginals live in nasty houses. And they’re nasty to their children. And they like beer even more than your dad does.”
“What, all of them?” asks Tommy. “Every single one? That seems very unlikely.”
“I’m afraid so,” says Kenny. “It’s very sad.”
“But, I saw a man on the television who was Aboriginal who lived in a nice house and everybody liked him. He wasn’t drinking beer or being nasty to his children or anything,” Tommy tells Kenny.
“Oh, that would have been a sportsman, or an artist,” says Kenny with a wave of his paw. “They don’t count. They’re almost the same as the rest of us.”
This made Tommy a bit confused, but before he could say anything they had disappeared in a flash ready to carry on their adventure.

B is for Bogan

Now Tommy and Kenny are outside another house. This one is a very nice house. The paint isn’t peeling and there’s a big luminous green car outside. Tommy can hear loud music.
“Who lives here?” Tommy asks.
“Why, this is a Bogan’s house,” Kenny says.
“It looks very nice,” says Tommy, “but that music is a bit loud and I can hear someone shouting rude words.”
“It is very nice,” says Kenny. “Bogans are very nice people who earn lots of money digging things out of the ground and fixing toilets and radiators. They are nice to their children and only hit them when they deserve it. And they like beer even more than your dad because all their hard work makes them thirsty.  And don’t you worry about the music – that’s AC/DC, who are the finest musicians in the land. Bogans are lovely, fine, fine people.”
“What, all of them?” asks Tommy. “Every single one? That seems very unlikely.”
“Yes, all of them,” says Kenny. “Salt of the earth, what makes Australia tick.”
“But I saw some on the television who had had a fight and had hurt an old lady at a train station,” says Tommy, confused again.
“High spirits, lad, just high spirits,” says Kenny. “Come on time to go, we’ve got lots to see and do!”

C is for Casino

“What’s this place?” asks Tommy. He and Kenny are in a very large, very smelly room with no windows. The carpet is sticky. Some people are milling around. Some are sitting at tables playing games. It’s stuffy and Tommy wishes he could go outside.
“This,” says Kenny, “is a casino. It’s the best place in Australia. Everyone comes here to have fun and spend the money they earn digging things out of the ground. It’s the happiest place on earth.”
“Then why is that man crying?” says Tommy, pointing at a man who is sitting at one of the tables with his head in his hands weeping.
“He’s not crying, he’s laughing, because he’s having so much fun,” says Kenny sternly.
“It looks like crying to me,” says Tommy stubbornly. “And why isn’t anyone smiling? And look, that man’s having a fight with those two men in the black suits and sunglasses – and now they’re throwing him out on the street.”
“They’re just playing, they’re all friends really,” says Kenny, but his voice sounds a bit cross. Tommy is pleased when they disappear, ready for the next stage of their exciting adventure.

D is for Dialect

“Are we at school?” asks Tommy, looking up at the big blackboard in front of him. Kenny smiles. He is wearing an old fashioned teacher’s hat.
“Yes, language school,” the kangaroo says. “I’m going to teach you how to talk like an Australian. Firstly, make everything you say sound like a question? Like this? You try it?”
“Do I really have to?” asks Tommy.
“That’s it!” says Kenny, beaming. “Keep that up, say ‘eh’ after every third sentence and chuck in a few phrases like ‘fair suck of the sauce bottle’ and you’ll fit right in.
“I think that sounds a bit silly,” says Tommy, which makes Kenny frown, so Tommy tries again.
“I think that sounds a bit silly?” he says.
“That’s the way!” exclaims Kenny and with a flash they’re off again.

E is for Esky

“Hungry?” asks Kenny.
“Oooh, yes, a bit,” says Tommy.
“Then let’s open the esky,” says Kenny, proudly.
“What’s an esky?” asks Tommy.
Kenny pulls a big blue box from his pouch.
“This is an esky,” he says. “It’s a magic box that stays icy cold even when it’s boiling hot outside. You fill it full of your favourite treats when you go to the beach or the park and then you open it and have a lovely, lovely feast!”
“Hoorah!” says Tommy, imagining piles of cakes, sausage rolls and ice cream. “Can we open it now?!”
“Of course,” says Kenny. “Go ahead.”
Tommy opens the esky, but his smile quickly turns to a frown.
“There’s nothing in here but beer,” he says.
“Yes,” says Kenny, nodding. “To be honest, that’s all you’ll ever really find in an esky. Time to go!”

F is for Fishing

Now, Tommy and Kenny are on a boat.
“This,” says Kenny proudly, “is the most magical way to spend a day. Fishing. Grab a rod, Tommy!”
Tommy takes his rod and sits down. Kenny meanwhile opens his esky and starts drinking one of the beers inside. For a while they sit in silence. And then a while longer.
Soon Tommy is quite bored.
“Can we go now?” he asks.
“Not yet,” says Kenny. “We’ve still got some beers left.”
Tommy is now very bored. Time passes and nothing much happens.
Finally, after four or five hours, Kenny finishes his last beer, burps and says: “There, wasn’t that brilliant? Come on Tommy, off we go for more adventure!”

G is for Grand Final

Kenny and Tommy are on a big round sports field. Thousands of happy fans are sitting in seats all around it, cheering. All around Kenny and Tommy lots of big men are running around.
“What game is this?” says Tommy.
“This, Tommy, is football,” says Kenny.
“No it’s not,” says Tommy, “look, that man’s picked up the ball and is running with it. You can’t do that in football.”
Kenny laughs.
“Ho, ho. You’re thinking about pretend football,” says Kenny. “This is real football, and this is the Grand Final. So these are the best football players in the world.”
“Really, better than the Brazilians?” asks Tommy.
“The Brazilians don’t play real football,” explains Kenny.
“Oh,” says Tommy. “What about the Germans, the English, the Americans or the Spanish?”
“They don’t play it either. Only Australians play real football.”
“Is that because it’s a bit rubbish?” asks Tommy.
“Rubbish? No! It’s the best game in the world! Full of grace and skill and tactics!”
“Then why are they fighting?” asks Tommy, confused. “And why are their shorts so small?”
“It’s all part of the game,” says Kenny, who sounds a bit cross again as they once more disappear.

H is for Hoon

Just as they reappear, a car whizzes past the pair of adventurers, making Kenny jump. He watches as the car stops and then skids round and round before roaring off again. Seconds later another car thunders past, does a skid then spins its wheels causing lots of smoke.
“Why are those men driving like that? It looks dangerous,” says Tommy.
“They’re hoons!” says Kenny. “A fine Australian institution. Young men who are the best drivers in the world proving it day after day by skidding, and revving and speeding and doing donuts on suburban streets. Isn’t it exciting and cool?”
“Not really,” says Tommy. “It’s just a bit noisy. And I’m only seven and I think it’s a bit childish. What’s the point of it?”
“The point?” says Kenny, and this time it’s his turn to look confused. “I don’t really know. I suppose it’s to keep the paramedics, florists and the people who make plastic roadside crosses in business. Look, there’s a hoon now who’s crashed into a telegraph pole and killed two of his friends and left his girlfriend a paraplegic.”
“That’s not exciting and cool,” says Tommy.
“No. No, I suppose it isn’t,” says Kenny, before perking up and announcing: “Come on! Let’s go!”

I is for Immigrants

Tommy and Kenny are on a boat again. For a second, Tommy thinks they might be about to do more fishing and his heart sinks. But then he realises that there are lots of other people on the boat too. Asian people.
“Who are all these people?” he asks Kenny.
Kenny looks a bit cross as he replies: “They’re immigrants, Tommy.”
“What’s an immigrant?” asks Tommy.
“People who want to come to Australia and live here, just because it’s a nicer place than where they live. Bad people, Tommy. Illegal people. People we haven’t go room for.”
“But, me and my family came here because Australia’s nicer than Hull, so we’re immigrants, aren’t we? Does that mean we’re bad and illegal?” Tommy asks.
“Oh no,” says Kenny, “you’re completely different.”
“But aren’t all Australians, except the Aboriginals, immigrants or descended from immigrants?” asks Tommy.
“Don’t be silly,” says Kenny sternly, “you must be able to see the difference.”
“We’re white and we speak English?” asks Tommy.
“Yes, that’s about it,” says Kenny. “Come on, let’s go!”

J is for Jet

“It’s the airport!” exclaims Tommy. “I love the airport!”
“Take a good look,” says Kenny, pointing to a jet plane on the runway.
“Why?” asks Kenny.
“Because that’s the only way you’re going to ever get out of this country. We’re a long way from anywhere, and don’t you forget it. No more through the Chunnel to Calais for you, m’boy. We’re talking isolation big time.”
“That’s scary,” says Tommy in a quiet voice.
“Isn’t it?” says Kenny – and they’re off again.

K is for K-Rudd

Kenny introduces Tommy to a funny little man who is only just a little bit taller than Tommy is.
“This is Kevin Rudd,” Kenny says. “He’s the Prime Minister of Australia. Which is strange, because he represents the Labor party, which is the wishy washy lot that are all new age and hippy. They’ve even got a pop singer in the cabinet. Kevin’s been in charge since 2007, when he knocked out John Howard, who’s much more Australia’s kind of Prime Minister. I think Kevin got in because people thought he was a mini Tony Blair, but it’s all right, because he won’t be here for long. The money’s gone all wrong, and then there’s the immigrants and the thing with the burning insulation. No, Kevin’s days are numbered.”
The little man nods sadly and Tommy thinks he might cry.
“Who’s going to take over if he goes?” Tommy asks.
“Come on,” says Kenny, “I’ll show you.”

L is for Liberals

Tommy doesn’t like the scary looking stern people in front of him. And he definitely doesn’t like the look of the man with the big ears who’s wearing a pair of very small swimming trunks, a funny hat stretched across his head and is carrying a bicycle.
“Don’t worry,” Kenny laughs. “They’re only Liberals – and harmless enough really. Get used to them, it won’t be long before they’re back in charge, thank goodness.”
“Will the funny man put some clothes on before then?” asks Tommy.
Kenny looks at the chief Liberal dubiously.
“Let’s hope so, Tommy, let’s hope so,” the kangaroo says.

M is for Mardi Gras

Now Kenny and Tommy are in the middle of a big party in the street. Lots of people are wearing bright costumes, many of which don’t cover up much of their tummies.
“Sydney Mardi Gras!” Kenny announces proudly, sweeping around, dancing along with the music. Another wonderful Australian institution!”
“It’s brilliant!” exclaims Tommy. “Everybody’s having so much fun! Look those two men are so happy they’re kissing. Is that an Australian tradition, too, Kenny?”
Suddenly Kenny stops dancing and looks at his watch.
“Come on Tommy, we’ve got to get going or we’ll be late,” he says.

N is for Nature

Tommy doesn’t like where they turn up next. The wind is howling and chunks of ice the size of golf balls are bashing into him.
“It’s a storm!” Kenny shouts above the noise. “All part of nature!”
“But it hurts!” Tommy shouts back.
“It’s supposed to!” Kenny bellows. “All Australian nature hurts! Stray outside your suburban four-by-two and Mother Nature will be out to get you. Massive hail storms! Bush fires! Floods! Earthquakes! We’ve got the lot! And it’s not just the elements, Tommy! The animals are out to get you too! Spiders, snakes, sharks, emus, jellyfish just about everything out there is just waiting to send you to your maker. Christ, I’m even a bit tasty if you get on my wrong side!”
“But isn’t there anything which is nice?” asks Tommy.
“Well,” says Kenny, “there’s bilbies, I suppose”. From his pouch, Kenny pulls a tiny little animal with big ears and a long nose. Tommy thinks it is the cutest thing he’s ever seen and gives it a cuddle.
Unfortunately, the bilby bites his finger and as they disappear Tommy wishes his mum was around with a plaster.

O is for Obese

The bleeding has stopped by the time they appear outside Hungry Jacks.
“Take a look inside and you’ll see something that’s very Australian,” Kenny says proudly. Tommy looks and sees dozens of seats full of very, very fat people.
“Australia,” Kenny announces triumphantly, “is now the fattest country on earth. What do you think of that, Tommy?”
“Well, that’s a bit sad isn’t it?” says Tom. “There’s a boy in my class who’s very fat and he can’t do games and always gets picked on. So it’s not that good, really, is it?”
Kenny thinks about this for a second and then shakes his head.
“No, Tommy, I suppose it’s not,” he says and they’re on their way again.

P is for Profanity

Tommy’s pleased when they arrive at a park, but quickly changes his mind when he hears the men talking loudly nearby.
“F***ing f***er told me to f*** off!” the man shouts. “What a c***. I should have f***ing landed him one!”
Tommy puts his hands over his ears.
“Those are bad words, Kenny. Why are they talking like that?” he asks the kangaroo.
“It’s the Australian way,” explains Kenny. “Brash, raw, salt of the earth, we are. Nothing wrong with a bit of blue language!”
Tommy doesn’t look too sure. He tells Kenny that he thinks the men shouldn’t swear when there are children around.
“Sorry, mate,” says Kenny. “You’re just going to have to f***ing get used to it.”
And with a flash, they’re off again.

Q is for Quentin Bryce

Tommy likes the look of the lady Kenny introduces him to when they reappear. She is older than his mum, but has a kind face.
“This is Quentin Bryce,” says Kenny. “She is the most important person in Australia because she’s the Governor General. Which is like being the Queen. She’s like our Queen, because the real Queen is so far away.”
“Oh good,” says Tommy, smiling. “I like the Queen. I’m glad Australia likes her too.”
“Oh, Australia doesn’t like the Queen,” Kenny laughs. “Many, many people would like us to stop being ruled by her. It’s not like we’re a part of Britain. We’re a country in our own right.”
“Oh,” says Tommy, a bit sadly. “So what would happen if the Queen stopped ruling Australia. Would Australia stop being just like Britain?”
“Absolutely,” says Kenny. “Then we could get on with being just like America. Come on, let’s go!”

R is Rip Tide

Tommy is pleased to be on the beach. The sun is shining and everyone’s happy. Everyone that is except for a choking teenager who is lying on the sand surrounded by lifesavers.
“What happened to him, Kenny?” Tommy asks.
“Caught in a rip tide,” Kenny explains him.
“What’s a rip tide?” Tommy asks.
“It’s a useful thing, like jellyfish, sharks, sunburn and bogans, which makes sure that even something as lovely as going to the beach can be a bit rubbish in Australia,” Kenny says. “Don’t worry though, you probably won’t ever get caught in one. Unless you go to the beach regularly, that is.”
This makes Tommy a bit sad and he vows to stay by the pool from now on.

S is for Snags

By now, Tommy’s tummy is rumbling, so he’s delighted when he smells food cooking when they reappear. Kenny is smiling as he stands behind a gleaming barbecue happily cooking.
“Brilliant! Sausages!” Tommy exclaims. “Can I have one?!”
“Of course,” says Kenny, “but these aren’t sausages, Tommy. They’re snags. That’s the Australian name for them. And this is the Australian way of cooking them. On a barbecue.”
“They smell smashing,” says Tommy, “can I have one, then?”
“As soon as they’re cooked,” says Kenny.
So, mouth watering, Tommy waits. And he waits. And he waits a bit more. And then waits again.
Finally, Kenny is ready and he proudly hands Tommy a charred piece of carbon, which crumbles into ash as Tommy takes hold of it.
“It’s the Australian way!” Kenny laughs, and they’re on their way again.

T is for Television

When they reappear, Tommy finds himself gazing at the biggest television he has ever seen in his whole life. It takes up the whole wall.
“This is a home theatre,” says Kenny proudly. “One hundred and three inches of high definition majesty. A real thing of beauty.”
“It’s brilliant,” enthuses Tommy. “Can we watch something?”
“Of course,” says Kenny. He picks up the remote control and flicks through the channels. Then flicks through them again. And again.
“Hmm,” he says, eventually. “There’s nothing on except reruns of The Simpsons and old episodes of Boston Legal that I’ve seen a hundred times. We’d better just be moving on. ”
And with that, they were once more on their way.

U is for Underbelly

Tommy doesn’t really like the bar they land in. There are lots of tough looking people glaring at each other.
“Gangsters,” Kenny whispers. “Pretty cool, huh?”
“Not really,” Tommy stammers. “I’m a bit scared.”
“Don’t be scared,” Kenny tells him. “Gangsters are cool. Australia loves gangsters and outlaws – right back to good old Ned Kelly. These chaps here live in Melbourne and make sure that Australia has all the drugs and prostitutes it needs, keeping a great tradition of larakins alive. They’re so cool they even made a TV programme about them, with boobs and everything.”
Tommy isn’t sure. “Can’t I just like Ben 10 and Wayne Rooney?” he asks.
“Oh no,” says Kenny. “They’re no kind of heroes. You need to like gangsters, that’s where the glamour is. Or bikies, they’re cool too. Come on I need a drink.”

V is for Victoria Bitter

Tommy is disappointed when Kenny says they’re going to stay in the gangster bar while he explains how brilliant alcohol is. He’s getting tired now, but sits politely while Kenny knocks back a VB or two while explaining how having ‘a wine’ or ‘a stubby’ is the Australian way and that what looks like a can of coke can actually be a can of coke with whisky mixed into it. Drinking regularly, is a good thing, Kenny explains, unless you’re an Aboriginal, then you’re bad for doing it. By now Tommy is getting more and more confused and wishes they would leave the bar.

W is for Weapons

But Kenny won’t leave until he’s shown the other thing available in the bar that he insists is very Australian – weapons. In a back room, a thick-necked man shows off guns, knives, throwing stars, swords, crossbows, grenades – even a funny looking glove with spikes sticking out of it. Tommy finds himself not wanting to play with his toy guns ever again.
And now, Kenny is talking a bit slurred and Tommy doesn’t really want to carry on the adventure.
“Kenny?” he asks cautiously, “I’ve had loads of fun, but can I go home now? I’m really a bit tired.”
The kangaroo looks disappointed.
“Now? But we haven’t finished. We’ve still got

X is for Xenophobia

and

Y is for Yabbies

to go before we get to

Z is for Zzzz

Don’t you want to learn about edible crustaceans and fearing people from different countries?”

“Maybe another time,” Tommy says, yawning. “For now, I think I just want to go home and dream about all the exciting things Australia has to offer.”

With that Kenny smiles and, in a flash, Tommy is home again, tucked up in bed ready for another day in his new, exciting home.