by Dominic Cadden

With another Valentine’s Day on the horizon, perhaps you’ve been thinking about lust or romance in your new country. Maybe you even came here with a partner but thoughts have still turned to taking a nibble at the local dishes – after all, why travel to the other side of the world and take tinned baked beans?

Australian men and women have a charm all of their own, diamonds in the rough, you might say. But like rough diamonds, they’re not the easiest thing to just go out and pick up. You need to know where to look, how to get at them and you have to act quickly and carefully before some tosser from a big multinational beats you to it.

The good news is that the cultural and language barriers are big enough to jump: we share a similar sense of humour and morality and we both tend to use copious amounts of alcohol as social lubrication. It’s no surprise then that pairings between the nations are common. Sacha Baron Cohen married Aussie Isla Fisher, Orlando Bloom’s with Miranda Kerr and several of the Australian cricketers playing from 1989 to 2005 pillaged England of women for breeding after the MCC refused to let the Aussies take The Ashes Down Under. Still, the odds are stacked against you in many ways but, having interviewed hundreds of locals and foreign visitors about their relationships and sex lives in the course of my rather odd career, I have some pointers that will help score you an Aussie. 

I’m not sure about you English but I’ve known a lot of Australian men and women who have lived in the UK and claim they learnt to pick their partners by season. The reason was that, unless they worked in adult entertainment or a swim centre, they never saw the true shape of English bodies for all the clothes they were buried under from September to March, which may partly explain why many English women throw themselves at football and rugby players. In Australia, they (and you, too) don’t have that problem. The downside is what this all indicates – that Aussies tend to factor the physique more into the attraction equation, the women especially.

Poms are a bit disadvantaged in the physique stakes, what with years of long winters spent shut up indoors eating spotted dick, toad in the hole and battered dripping. On the flipside, with all this extra Vitamin A, English women tend to have better faces than Australian women, who are usually aged beyond their years by sun compared to most European women (WARNING: NEVER guess an Australian woman’s age in front of her). Too often this is combined with the ravages of drinking and drugs, which can lead to a condition described in Australia as ‘prawn’ – nice body, shame about the head.

While Aussies may be a little judgemental physically, they are less likely than Brits to be turned on by intelligence and are not so fussed about the earnings of a potential partner. Research by HSBC Bank last year found that three quarters of the respondents from around Australia would be happy to go out with someone who earned considerably less or was unemployed. Nine out of ten Australians said they put love and happiness ahead of financial stability when it comes to long term relationships. Only one per cent of West Australians said they would dump their partner for lack of income.

As far as the numbers go, the news is better for Pommie women. According to 2006 census figures, the ratio of male to female residents in Perth was very nearly equal. Look closer, though, and you see that in the age categories from 15 to 65 men outnumbered women comfortably. There were a lot more women than men over the age of 65; no doubt because of mining and other high-risk occupations, more sun and booze, and the Aussie women putting many men into an early grave. Factor in the huge influx of people coming to Perth for the work over the last two years, the majority of them men, and the competition for women is even worse—unless you want to date women so old that before sex you ask them what measures they’re taking for death control.

It all begins to look a little dire for Pommie men, but here’s a quick and easy tip to give you a leg-up: Australians seem to melt at an Irish accent, especially the women. If you’re from Scotland, simply stretch that accent out a bit. Even if you’re from Lancashire, or Liverpool, close enough – give it your best shot and wax lyrical about Killarney. Lots of Aussies start watering at the mouth at the mention of Ireland, like it’s Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory or something, rarely questioning why there’s so many Irish here if their homeland’s so bloody great. But there’s no doubt – saying you’re Irish grabs more attention than admitting you’re a Brit. 

First off, though, you’ll want to know where to go to lilt your best chat up lines to an Aussie. Research shows that the Australians are more likely to meet partners through friends and acquaintances, so it’s worth dumping chums who don’t have attractive friends. Having said that, Australia has some of the highest integration rates in the world for mobile phone and internet usage, and meeting people through dating services on these media is common and widely accepted. Yet it’s also common that Australian women and, to a lesser extent the men, can be turned off by spontaneous approaches in public, such as at the gym, the library or the beach. There are many exceptions to this, of course, and these are anywhere there’s alcohol.

A drinking environment opens up a world of opportunity for picking up an Australian, so if you’re a teetotaller I thoroughly recommend you take your ‘medicine’ for the benefit of your libido and future happiness. There is a catch, however, one which makes it hard to measure the success of your encounters afterwards. Australians commonly believe that any actions while under the influence of alcohol can be denied or exonerated. Apparently “I was drunk” is a better excuse than “I was stupid/I changed my mind” when it comes to questions such as, “But you said you loved me” or “You promised you’d stop seeing the other guys”, etc. This can make it hard to really know what’s going on and where you really stand in a relationship with an Aussie, as the alternative, i.e. keeping them off the grog, is a bit like surfing a pond – it takes an extreme set of circumstances to make this possible.
By far the most common complaint I’ve had from UK women here is that Aussie men, whether they’re drinking or not, often misinterpret their ‘chattiness’ as a serious come-on. Despite the Aussie reputation for being casual and relaxed, it seems Brit girls are ahead with the overtness and cheekiness of their conversation – and maybe Aussie blokes don’t tend to have many female ‘mates’ they don’t ‘root’.

Some research figures also explain their misperception – whether the research accurately portrays the whole UK populace doesn’t matter, the point is that this is what is splashed about in the Aussie media: Poms are putting the UK between the ‘f’ and the ‘k’. Last year, researchers from Bradley University in Illinois concluded that after an extensive worldwide survey, British men and women (and more so the women) are the most promiscuous of any Western industrial nation. Although this confirmed earlier field research by Shane Warne, it doesn’t match the findings of the Durex Global Sex Survey, which puts Britain below average for frequency of sex over a year. The difference is that one study measures data, the other measured intent – apparently, when it came to the question on whether they were comfortable with the idea of casual sex, many English men and women just ticked the box marked ‘very’. Australia was the fifth-most sexually promiscuous industrial nation, ahead of the US in sixth spot. Britain’s ranking was attributed to its highly sexualised popular culture, with respondents bombarded by English tabloids, prostitutes’ vice cards in phone boxes and Everybody’s Having Sex But You magazine. So don’t blame Aussie men – from the moment you open your mouth, they think you’re gagging for it anyway.

Men can make an impression by noting that some old world charm and manners go a long way with Aussie women, because it’s about as unknown to them as the high street of Pratts Bottom. Sure, you may occasionally be met with, “I can do it me-farkin’-self” when you open a door for a lady, but Aussie men are unlikely to remark on the effort a woman has made with her appearance or offer to accompany her and hold her back while she vomits outside the pub, for example. It’s a fine line. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the local women want everything done for them. Even if you are doing everything for them, they certainly don’t want it to look this way. They guard their independence and practicality, whether that’s perceived or otherwise. This is well summed up by a popular bumper sticker seen on utes that reads, “No, it’s MINE, NOT his”. (NB – NEVER attempt or even ask to drive an Aussie women’s vehicle). Aussie women, especially early in the courting phase, often don’t go for expensive offers or gifts, either. Even buying her a drink may be treated with all the suspicion of unattended baggage at a London Tube station and she may even split a dinner bill with you before she decides it’s OK to let you into her pants. Generous gestures, even if they’re made with all the best intentions in the world, are often interpreted as an attempt to buy an obligation and Aussie women are just too proud for that. You can get around this by putting some effort and thought into a casual shared experience – a boat trip for diving, for example, a party invite, etc. can be the safer way to go than jewellery or other showy gifts. Too much too soon can drive women away and it’s the same for the men, although for them it’s more about emotions and ‘suffocating’ them by being around too much, especially during major sporting events, several minor sporting events, fishing/surfing trips and drinking sessions reserved for mates.
Female Brits also have access to a secret weapon that most local women don’t: femininity. (NB – Chavs can skip this paragraph.) For all her athleticism, crazy curves, easygoing nature and sense of humour, the typical Aussie women can often appear to have the sophistication and grace of the inmates in Prisoner Cell Block H. Water buffalo move with more poise than many Perth women, and they have a better handle on personal grooming, too, especially if you use the Freo area for comparison. That said, many Perth women are so beautiful (until they speak, or move, or relax around the house) that with the heat and more men to choose from, you can sort of understand why they skimp on the effort. Aussie men don’t know what they’re missing but, when they see it, many are often mesmerised. Mind you, a common complaint among foreign women dating Australian men is that they are very boyish and/or have the emotional depth and responsiveness of a jellyfish. Bear this in mind and factor it in when measuring up his reactions. This means that you could be walking about the house in great lingerie and he may simply grunt approval, or conversely, play in wonder with your suspenders then repeatedly whip up the back of your baby doll while yelling “¡Olé!”
When February 14th comes around, you can be sure that it’s a great opportunity to make your feelings known, seeing that despite a bit of retardation for overt displays of affection by both sexes, many Aussies still get into the spirit of Valentine’s Day. But how much is enough? Or too much? Some research figures from online gift company Red Balloon may give you an idea on what’s a par score. Perth men were the nation’s biggest spenders, with 41.7% splurging $200 or more on Valentine’s Day gifts. Oddly, the nation’s stingiest romantics were Perth women, with 19.1% spending less than $50 on gifts, which could well be a product of the gap in the sex ratio (although the research doesn’t record what was offered in the bedroom later that night). Surprisingly few people (12.8% of women and 7.1% of men nationwide) said they would be embarrassed if they didn’t receive anything on the day but, then again, there are mingers everywhere, even Perth. 

If things progress to the bedroom, the news is mixed. After a major survey of US sex experts last year concluded that the best sex should last between seven and 13 minutes, and even three-minute sex is ‘adequate’, Australian sex therapists commented on the local disparities.

“Usually women are quite happy with short intercourse and are not bothered about prolonging it at all, but nearly all men want it to be much, much longer,” said Brisbane-based medical sex therapist Dr Jane Howard. Australian men are, after all, a highly competitive bunch when it comes to physical pursuits, so try not to be shocked if he jots down the starting time on an exposed patch of your skin upon penetration or calls out his pulse rate at the point of climax. There may be a link between this and the many reports from foreign women that Australian men are more willing to perform oral sex early in the relationship. In fact, last September the Australasian Sexual Health Congress in Perth noted that oral sex is now a leading part in the repertoire of male and female Australians, with a high proportion of younger Australians taking the Clintonesque view that it didn’t really count as sex.

And you thought Down Under was just a geographical reference.