By Dominic Cadden 

There’s a study which suggests that collective guilt is actually increasing temperatures and creating a greenhouse effect that’s causing drought and climate change. If this is true, then Australia is, to use the correct environmental term, ‘screwed’.

All this guff about climate change may be hard to comprehend if you’ve come from Britain, home of the Industrial Revolution. For some 250 years the UK has been belching filth into the sky, with the prevailing wind conveniently taking it into The Netherlands and Germany. The noxious filth pumped into the water gets flushed out into the North Sea, there’s usually ample rain, any climactic warming is an improvement and even if you did poison all the soil, you can get all your food cheaper through the EU anyway. As sure as rain at Wimbledon, the UK will probably keep on keeping on. Australia doesn’t quite have that luxury, which is why green hysteria is at a completely different level here.

In less than 12 months, we’ve had the Victorian bush fires, the outbreak of dengue fever in north Queensland and flooding in north-eastern Australia and The Public Health Association of Australia’s puts it all down to worsening climate change. Think you’re safe in Darwin? It’s a flat city just one small tsunami from being obliterated from the north, or engulfed by the massive deserts to the south.

Australia is the driest inhabited continent and has one of the most variable rainfall patterns in the world, so one of the first things you’ll notice here is the water paranoia. Sharks can keep eating people off Cottlesloe and Bondi Beaches and it’s just part of ‘the natural order’, but if you get caught hosing your car down your local community may lynch you, depending on local council water restriction levels.

No surprise then, that the dual-flush toilet (half or full flush options) was invented in Australia and is compulsory in all new bathrooms. This actually replaced a long variety of devices used to restrict the amount of water used in a flush toilet. One example was a brick placed in the cistern, which gave a double meaning to the expression, “I’ll be in the dunny removing a brick”. With nationwide water-saving restrictions barely keeping pace with reduced rainfall since2001, there have been even more extreme efforts to curb toilet water usage. First there was the, “if it’s yellow, let it mellow, if it’s brown, flush it down” mantra, and the ‘Be a man -- pee in the sink’ public campaign, which, if successful, could have saved as much as 150 million litres of water a day.

Taking a bath is seen as slitting Mother Nature’s wrists, garden sprinklers are becoming historical relics and top-loading washing machines are seen as the Devil’s vibrators in many circles. Many football clubs promote a policy of two-minute showers, meaning that the changing shed action is often more frenetic than the games themselves. In the last decade, many public fountains and swimming pools were left dry, but closer to home, gardens were the first to suffer. Beset by water restrictions enforced by water officers ready to use any force necessary (short of water bombing) to disarm errant hose users, many Australians turned away from their traditional English cottage gardens and instead grew neat rows of rocks and the occasional cactus. Things have changed a little now, as even many urban dwellings have rain collection tanks or they reclaim ‘grey water’. Grey water is the stuff that usually goes down a drain in a home, but now lots of people are showering with buckets or sucking it out of their kitchen sink through a straw or installing elaborate catchment and filtering systems that cost thousands of dollars so they can perpetuate that great Australian tradition, the garden.

It’s fair to say that the much greater environmental awareness of Australians is largely driven by the people. In fact, the previous Federal government had such disinterest in green policies that it was said that they used to consult Scientologists about the environment instead of scientists, because they couldn’t tell the difference. Global warming deniers such as Senator Stephen Fielding still exist in Australian politics but they were, and still are, vilified in a very similar way to Holocaust deniers. The current government is trying to catch up with where the voters are. First, it signed the Kyoto Treaty and appointed a Minister for Global Warming and Water, a portfolio that comes with a cape and a large representation of the Earth to be carried around on one shoulder. However, Prime Minister Rudd has already used the Global Financial Crisis as an excuse to push back the start of a scheme to tax  polluting industries in an attempt to cut down carbon emissions by 15 per cent below 2000 levels by 2020.

Tired of waiting for the Federal government to pull its finger out as usual, this year South Australia became the first Australian state to put a complete ban on single-use plastic bags. In doing this, South Australia joined such advanced nations as Bhutan, Bangladesh and Rwanda by enforcing the ban by law and on-the-spot fines for distributing, light-weight polyethylene shopping bags. In other states, stores may charge for bags or ask “do you want a bag” with the same tone a nun might ask if you want an abortion after you’ve already admitted the father could be any one of the guys in the pay-per-view gang-bang you hosted on your website. 

Recycling is not just an option here, it’s a way of life. Whole political policies and many popular television shows are recycled and repackaged from nations such as Britain and the USA, but recycling pervades many other elements of everyday life. Gyms use matting made from recycled car tyres, paving stones are often made from old glass and recycled wooden picture frames are de rigeur among the arts set. Skip recycling and people will look at you like you drowned your cat because you couldn’t be bothered buying worm tablets for it. You’re not safe anywhere. A family picnic in the park becomes a colour-coded puzzle when the row of different recycling bins confront you. At the office you can earn the moniker of ‘mothernaturef**ker’ just for printing an email twice, then tearing up the confidential pages instead of taking the walk of shame to put in on the communal pile reusable paper. If it wasn’t for the stubborn nature of nicotine stains, there’s no doubt Australia would be recycling cigarette filters for use as tampons. 

The odd thing is that 30 years ago, when most of us thought the environment was as indestructible as Iron Man, we were paid good money to bring aluminium and glass to our local depot for recycling. Now, with the environment screaming out for more sustainable practises, we’re expected to spend one night every week sifting through all our garbage so businesses in the sustainability sector can save money on labour costs. Indeed, at one time the late Richard Pratt, known as ‘The Cardboard Box King’ because of his Visy recycling industries, was the second richest man in Australia (his son is currently number one).

Now the popular obsession is to check your carbon usage because apparently nearly everything we do is like taking a big, leaden dump down the Earth’s throat. One popular environmental lifestyle magazine even went so far recently as to look at which pets had the smaller carbon footprint. I’m not sure how many greenies snuffed their large dogs and went to the pound to recycle a used cat, but it makes you think. As if we need more paranoia about air travel, now you can’t think of going back to the UK without being burdened with the guilt of all that carbon the plane uses. Fortunately, you can offset this by buying carbon credits. Think of it as an advanced form of recycling, as it takes used money from your wallet and puts it to use in a business that didn’t even exist until five minutes ago.

Many of these businesses may be doing something more useful than providing a bank for your sins, but maybe not others. Even the environmental movement has warned consumers against ‘greenwashing’, admitting that when businesses chuck about terms such as ‘environmentally friendly’, ‘green’, ‘eco’ and ‘biodegradable’ they are effectively meaningless. It seems that if you really want to help the environment, the best thing you can do is educate yourself to safeguard against bullshit.

The new thing is electricity. For years, electricity was very cheap and we considered it clean energy -Đ until we noticed that it comes from burning our huge stores of coal. When I was a kid, we used electric mowers because it was cheaper than petrol and there were no fumes (at least not from the mower). Everyone used to keep a light on in front of their house that was strong enough to light up all the way to the neighbour’s farm. My Mum kept radios on in four different rooms at once and electrified the fence when she wanted to keep me in the yard. Now electricity prices have skyrocketed as Australia seeks to switch to cleaner energy and tax the hell out of coal producers.

Nuclear energy would be one cleaner option, but most Australians are wracked with the fear of dangerous leaks that will turn them into slow-talking, dimwits with reduced ability to breed (or at least poor breeding). Curiously, Australia has more uranium than any other nation, yet it’s sent off to the rest of the world to use as non-military energy (or so China, USA and the UK tell us).

Many Australians think that incandescent light globes are so evil that if you stare at one long enough, God Himself will burn your eyes. Then there are the ‘switch shadows’, people who seem to follow you around, turning off lights, computers and televisions as soon as you step away for a moment. More often than not, though, you’ll see electricity running amok everywhere you look Đ second fridges just for beer, huge sound systems, air conditioning and even electric booby traps for flies and mosquitoes. Old habits die hard.

Take a quick look around Australia’s roads and you’ll conclude that the attitude towards single-cylinder motorbikes or sub-1.6 litre-engine cars seems much the same as Jeremy Clarkson’s disdain for bicycles. Change is creeping in, however, and advertisements for the Holden Cruze are based on a ‘small car with big car appeal’ catchphrase. Still, Australia remains a world away from Brazil, China and Russia in the use of alcohol fuels, as most crude alcohol here is channelled into beer and alcopops. Going against the grain, those gods of the Australian road, the V8 Supercars, now use an 85 per cent ethanol blend fuel (although it’s environmental benefit over petrol is sometimes challenged) and the drivers have serious restrictions on how much time they can spend in practice. 

Despite this example, sport probably remains Australia’s biggest environmental weakness.  Increasingly, Australia insists on playing the big games in sport at night Đ even Test cricket will be next.

It’s not uncommon to be at the footy, lit up by gazillion-watt light towers, clutching your paper ticket and the oversize plastic hands you’ll never use again, then you’ll look up at the multiple giant screens broadcasting the latest green ad campaign. We’ll all raise our single-use plastic beer cup and say “cheers”. We’re with it in principle.

Go green!
How you too can appear to fit in with the locals in their fight to save the environment.

• Learn to appreciate the odour of urine that has sat in the toilet bowl for several hours, even when it’s not yours;
• Get a carbon calculator so you can add up how much guilt you accumulate;
• Reduce aerosol and household poison usage. Collect spiders and unleash them on flies and mosquitoes;
• Do your bit for industry - put aside an hour a week to separate your recyclables;
• Fly only when you ‘have to’, e.g. business trips, return trips home, overseas holidays. Don’t just take a plane because you need a new sleeping mask;
• Prominently display a bicycle and take it to work, even if you only live 2km away - for some reason, a bike is more of a license for self-righteousness than walking.
• Take your own bags to the shops Đ it makes shoplifting easier. If you have a thick black beard or are of Middle-Eastern appearance, steer clear of backpacks - some shopkeepers are bigots.
• Stick a ‘Bore water used here’ sign on the perimeter of your property. Be boring. Pee on your garden.
• Build things out of used materials, e.g. a latex mattress made entirely of used condoms, a fence made of ‘retired’ VHS porn titles or chain mail made from used staples.
• Be smug - after all, you’re saving the world, just like a superhero… kind of.

Green Panic - know your environ mentalists!

• Enviro-Extremist
  He won’t wear any leather and avoids anything energetic, as this just requires consuming more resources from the Earth. When possible, he captures his bottom wind in bottles to supply gas burners for cooking and his clothes only come from dead people or recycled materials. He only buys produce that comes from within 20km of his house. His goal is to have a totally self-sustainable home, even if it means it will smell like a sewer and act as an insectary. 

• Eco-Warrior
  He is vegetarian or at least ‘flexitarian’ (e.g. vegan, except for the odd steak), but will eat roadkill kangaroos since ‘roos don’t produce methane like sheep and cattle. He fervently believes in a fascist system of carbon emission taxes by which those who cannot pay will be charged three appendages for every violation. He is an action man, interacting with the environment through outdoor adventures where he poos into a zip-lock bag.

• CAUSE CRUSADER
  This person distracts attention from their 2-tonne car, plasma screen TV or any other environmental weakness with a rabid devotion to a single cause. It could be saving the potoroo, distributing charcoal tablets to cattle to neutralise their methane production, campaigning to turn public fountains into communal rice paddies, etc.

• BIKE NAZI
  Even though she does not even slightly resemble an athlete, her bike and associated gear is worth nearly as much as your car. Takes her bike everywhere, wheeling it through the office, into shops even onto public transport. If she sees someone washing a 4WD with a hose, she may stop and fill the exhaust pipe with compost – even if she has to produce it from within her own body.

• Eco-holic
  With a high awareness of causes but only a superficial depth of knowledge, the eco-holic preaches anti-materialism but is really a trend slut who wears the new bamboo underwear, replaces their bike every season and has brought yet another pair of recycled plastic shoes back from Vietnam. Often uses the latest environmental cause as an excuse to host or attend a ‘benefit’ party or concert where much drinking is done. In fact, the average eco-holic household goes through enough beer, wine and spirit bottles every year to make a glass cathedral. This group often embraces eco-feminists, who put everything down to the world being violated by man’s high hard one for too long.