By Dominic Cadden
On the surface, Australians and New Zealanders don’t seem so different, despite being separated by 1400 miles of ocean and having very different populations.
Both countries were settled at roughly the same time by the British and both were built on the back of primary industry. People of the two countries fought alongside each other in many wars and share a love of drinking, sport the outdoors and adventure. But if a couple of New Zealanders and a couple of Australians run into each other in the loo of the pub, you can be sure there will be a pissing contest that won’t end until someone drowns.
As Poms, you have a long history and wide geographical choice for your local international rivalries – France, Germany, Scotland, take your pick – but at this, the arse-end of the world, Australia and New Zealand only have each other. This inevitability and the common roots (that’s Britain, not attractive sheep) means that no rivalry goes too far beyond the bounds of forced friendship. In fact, immigration, employment and residency policies are very liberal and generous between citizens of either nation, similar to a two-nation model European Union.
And besides, an armed takeover of New Zealand would just be wrong, given the disparity in population and the fact that New Zealand’s coastguard consists of a back-up America’s Cup yacht armed with three starter pistols.
And there it is, already. It’s instinctive, but on both sides, too – New Zealand jibes about Australians are particularly vicious, just as a Corgi intimidated by a Rottweiler will go straight for the nuts.
Australia, it’s true, has the “Look at me!” attitude of a small child, screaming for attention from the rest of the world, which proves to be very annoying to its neighbour, constantly overshadowed and mistaken for Australian, just as Canadians bristle when lumped with Americans. Consequently, New Zealand’s sole fixation is seeking ‘evidence’ that New Zealand is somehow better than Australia, and therefore the notable country of the region. Any international survey that places NZ higher than Australia is headline news across the Tasman, even if it is only for skateboard ownership.
Just as the people of each nation share some striking similarities, there is often a certain sameness to the jibes and one-upmanship that goes on. For example, New Zealanders are quick to boast about their country’s lack of venomous animals, but Australians point out that at least they don’t live on an earthquake fault line. New Zealanders note the poor treatment and slow integration Australia has offered its indigenous population, while many Australians regard New Zealanders as living under the raised bitch-hand of Maori gangs. Before John Howard was voted out of office, New Zealanders liked to say how stupid Aussies were for not electing a real man, while Australians mocked New Zealanders for not electing a real woman.
So desperate are New Zealanders to prove their superiority, that they will turn apparent negative points into a positive. For example, during the 1980s, then New Zealand Prime Minister Robert Muldoon was asked about the increasing exodus of New Zealanders leaving the country to work in Australia. His comment was that by doing so, these emigrants were, “raising the IQ of both countries”.
Comments such as these from the Aussie-hating Robert Muldoon and the flood of New Zealand immigrants seeking jobs or welfare payments in Australia were only some of many factors that saw Australia-New Zealand relations plummet in the 1980s. It’s widely believed that New Zealand was responsible for breaking down the Australia-New Zealand-USA defence alliance (ANZUS) in 1984 due to its refusal to take US nuclear-powered ship in its ports. In fact, the rot stemmed back to the famous Underarm Incident of 1981.
In the third final of five in a one-day cricket series (Australia was already ahead 2–0), New Zealand needed six runs off the last ball to tie the scores. There had been no sixes hit in the entire match to that point and the number 10 batsman for New Zealand was facing his first ball. Nevertheless, the Australian captain, Greg Chappell instructed his brother Trevor to bowl the final ball underarm, rolling along the ground (this is now no longer legal).
In typical demonstration of the way the two countries relate, Australians spent two weeks proving that it was, in fact, possible to flip a ball rolling along the ground up with your toe and hit it for six, then buried the matter. New Zealanders added it to the already mountainous chip on their shoulder and still, to this day, vent spite and shame at Australians about the incident in their usual, cheerfully sarcastic way.
But while the relentlessness of Chappell’s actions showed how seriously Australians can take their sport, it is completely eclipsed by New Zealand’s attitude to the national sport: rugby.
Rugby is an incredibly important part of New Zealand life, ranking somewhere between having a heartbeat and the acknowledgement of some Greater Being (although for many New Zealanders, this is Dan Carter). The sport pervades many areas – it’s a little known fact that the Haka performed by All Black rugby teams before a rugby match is actually a ploy to get the opposition to sleep with them. It is hoped that the mating dance, if successful, will produce offspring that will help raise the economy, or at least make good soldiers.
After putting up with the Haka for decades, the Australian rugby public whinged that they should have some kind of a comeback. All they came up with was the modern tradition of the crowd singing Waltzing Matilda, a folk song about a pathetic and hungry tramp who steals sheep and gets done by the rozzers. New Zealanders were puzzled by the lyrics: why put a ‘jumbuck’ in your ‘tucker bag’ when a raised eyebrow and a bit of sweet talk could get it into your sleeping bag?
While this international sporting rivalry is possibly only equalled by the Ashes, Australia accepts underdog status and acknowledges that the All Blacks usually set the standard in world rugby. That way it’s even sweeter to make fun of New Zealand’s obsession after their team’s constant failures in the World Cup. Take this joke after last year’s fourth placing:
‘Did you hear NZ Post has just recalled their latest batch of stamps?
They had photos of All Blacks on them and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.’
If a New Zealander so much as comes here for a working holiday – and let’s face it, most of them have, often lasting decades – Australians seem to reserve the right to claim them as their own if they become internationally famous, at least until they screw up. Go to any video library and see how many New Zealand movies appear in the ‘Australian’ section. The same goes for music, art, actors (take Russell Crowe… please!), comedians, as well as New Zealand inventions such as the pavlova and much of Australia’s economic policy. If it’s any good, Australia won’t try to compete, it will incorporate. There is a historical basis for this. When the Australian Constitution was written, New Zealand was included as the ‘seventh state’. Leaders in New Zealand at the time rejected this, partly out of fear for the rights of the indigenous Maori people, who had enjoyed voting privileges and citizenship since 1858 – something Australian aborigines weren’t granted for another century. To this day the Australian Constitution still states that New Zealand is welcome to become a state of Australia any time the uppity little sheep-shaggers change their mind (or words to that effect), without need for a referendum. Most Australians are completely ignorant of this fact, but New Zealanders begrudge this as the zenith of Australian arrogance towards them. The open offer was brought up again as recently as 2000, when economic rationalist and former Leader of the Opposition, Dr John Hewson, mooted the idea to New Zealand Prime Minister, Helen Clark. Dr Hewson fell away from public view shortly after this. It is believed he was crucified somewhere outside Invercargill.
The mighty All-Blacks aside, Australians do have a real fear of being shown up by or encroached upon by a neighbour one-fifth their population. While Australians are happy to be inundated by American crap on their TV, there’s been fierce defence against moves to include New Zealand TV shows under the minimum ‘Australian content’ requirements. It could steal jobs from ‘artists’ like those on Neighbours. Besides, Australians could never take Shortland Street seriously with that accent.
Forget sheep. Most Australians are not interested in attacking or teasing a New Zealander… until he opens his mouth. It’s that irritable vowel syndrome they have, which all seems quite harmless until someone loses an ‘i’ (oh wait, the New Zealanders already have). “Number suxty-sex, anyone? Sex serves of fush un chups?” Hilarious, even on the 18 millionth time.
As the smaller party, New Zealanders often have to smile, tolerate and respond with the time-honoured revenge of luring Australians to the lair and fleecing them of their cash. New Zealand, of course, relies heavily on Australians for the tourist dollar. On Australia’s East coast (often known as New Zealand’s ‘West Island’ given the number of New Zealanders there) TV is littered with ads with a spunky Kiwi man and woman bribing Aussies in the street to go to New Zealand. In fact, in New Zealand it is customary to offer the hoof of your first sheep in marriage to an Australian visitor. Yes, oddly enough, New Zealanders make sheep jokes – or ewe-phemisms to use the correct term – about Australians, even though they’re the ones outnumbered nearly 19:1 by sheep (in Australia there are less than five sheep per person).
So Australian jokes about New Zealanders revolve around the accent, the All Blacks choking in the World Cup, dole-bludging or job-stealing in Australia, and Kiwis being dull, unsophisticated yokels. Australians are stereotyped in New Zealand humour as terrible at rugby, using ridiculous words, and they’re brash and boorish. Above all, jokes about Australians are mostly cruel putdowns of low intellect, even when they come from some hayseed farmer at the end of the Earth who’s biggest trip was to Dunedin to get one of them new-fangled toothbrushes that bend. These are jokes such as: ‘What’s long, hard and screws Australians? Primary school.’
As you can see, there’s a lot of common ground, making some jokes completely interchangeable:
What do you call a Kiwi/Aussie sheep dog?
A pimp.
What do you call 15 guys sitting around the TV watching the Rugby World Cup final?
The All Blacks/the Wallabies.
A pregnant Aussie and a pregnant Kiwi are knitting jumpers for there unborn babies. The Aussie/Kiwi says to the Kiwi/Aussie lass, "I hope mine’s a boy, ’cause I'm using blue wool." The other woman thinks for a few minutes then says, "I hope mine’s retarded – I just screwed up the arms."
New Zealanders also mock Australians for being lackeys of the USA while at the same time having a half-hearted Republican streak. Kiwis are quick to point out that their country was never an English penal colony, but settled by English and Scottish gentry loyal to the King by choice, rather than by frequent whipping. It is true that historically and culturally, Australia’s convict and Irish background is at the root of the nation’s anti-authoritarian streak, but the point is that New Zealanders are cultural cringers who are happy to retain an old German woman in London as their head of State, seeing as most successful Kiwis either live there or in Australia. For the second half of 2007, New Zealand was only a few hundred behind the top-placed UK in figures for long-term arrivals to Australia (the UK has over 14 times the population of New Zealand). This came despite New Zealand’s very low unemployment and a decade of healthy economic growth, fuelled largely by a cheap temporary labour force imported from South America and some films about sideshow freaks with a gold fetish.
As you look on at this silly rivalry between Australians and New Zealanders, there are two things to remember. First, remember they have more in common with each other than they have with a Pom, and are just as likely to gang up on you for something the Brits did to them in the Boer War or at Gallipoli. Secondly, keep in mind that the jibes are largely based on outdated concepts. For example, New Zealanders in Australia today (some 2.3 per cent of the population) are usually highly-skilled, sophisticated and hard-working people who pass up the sexual advances of sheep, even when reminded that the All Blacks have not won a World Cup in 21 years. Back home, they have a healthy and highly diversified economy that has produced hi-tech, modern metropolises such as Auckland, which have emerged from the 1950s time warp they once dwelled in until 3:24pm last Saturday. Still, we’ll let the Poms be the judge: Australia remains the most popular destination for Britons leaving Blighty for the long term. New Zealand comes in fourth.
Dominic Cadden is Australian born and bred, although his mother is a New Zealander. He visits NZ only when Tourism New Zealand pays all costs.
Lifestyle scorecard
Beaches
NZ – has some great beaches, good surf, largely deserted because they’re freezing. 6
Aust – excellent and plentiful, but you may get eaten by a shark. 8
The great outdoors
NZ – has made an industry out of extreme and outdoor sports you can often do nowhere else or nowhere more beautiful. Miles better skiing – even Aussies admit that. 9
Aust –beats the hell out the UK, but comes with risks of poisonous spiders, snakes, crocodiles, sharks, buffalo and dingoes. Better climate, though. 7
Travel
NZ – It’s slightly smaller than Britain, but with a fraction of the transport. And roads. 5
Aust – Vast distances make travel an adventure in itself. Wolf Creek, anyone? 7
Career opportunity
NZ – has an unemployment rate the same as WA’s, better opportunity for small business. 7
Aust – more multinationals, regional headquarters and bigger domestic market. 8
The Yarts
NZ – The best stuff all went to Australia. 4
Aust – The best stuff all went to the UK or US. 7
Sport
NZ – usually tops the world in rugby and yachting, often netball, too. Sports participation mainly limited to these three sports, golf, and killing things. 6
Aust – in the top three of 71.8% of all other sports in the world. Almost any sport available. 8
Pommie bashing
NZ – Pommie culture more revered, but they will expect a place for them to stay in the UK. 6
Aust – Royals bashing, The Ashes, buggery jokes. 4
Wine/Beer
NZ – keeps production low and standard reasonably high to inflate prices to exorbitant levels. Wankers. 4
Aust – does the whole gamut and always new discoveries to make. Some years wine is cheaper than petrol. 8
Natural disasters/climate
NZ – Earthquakes, avalanche, landslides, Samoans. Cold and windy. 5
Aust – Drought, floods, fat bastards. Generally warm and sunny. 7
Crime
NZ – beware motorcycle-jacking in South Auckland. 9
Aust – rare gun massacres rate on an international scale. Crime strangely glorified in history. 6
Quality of Living ratings*
NZ – Auckland ranked 5th among “global cities, Wellington 12th. 8
Aust – Sydney 10th, Melbourne 17th, Perth 21st, Adelaide 29th. (London 38th) 6
* Mercer’s 2008 Quality of Living survey
NEW ZEALAND 69 AUSTRALIA 76
